


You're All I Need to Get Bi

by Lyrisk



Category: Frasier (TV)
Genre: Bisexuality, Coming Out, Humor, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-17 05:27:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29587905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lyrisk/pseuds/Lyrisk
Summary: Everyone is bi. Frasier doesn't understand why it isn't a big deal.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	You're All I Need to Get Bi

**Author's Note:**

> A mini-episode set in season 9. Enjoy!

INT. FRASIER'S APARTMENT - DAY

It is a quiet Saturday morning. FRASIER, NILES, DAPHNE and MARTIN are all having breakfast at the round table. 

Daphne nudges Niles. 

NILES  
Oh, yes. Everyone? There is something I've been meaning to tell you. I'm... bisexual.

He looks at Daphne, who smiles encouragingly. 

NILES  
I've always been attracted to both men and women. Of course, that doesn't change anything about my devotion to Daphne.

FRASIER  
Niles... I must say that I didn't expect you to make such a weighted confession this morning, but I'm glad that you finally have. You are my brother, and you have my wholehearted love and acceptance. 

NILES  
Thank you, Frasier.

DAPHNE  
It's funny, when we were discussing it, I realized I'm probably bi as well! I had such a crush on that gymnast girl I shared a flat with. Oh, I used to dream about snogging her. Then there was my friend Clare, the underwear model... 

She drifts off and disappears in thought. 

MARTIN  
Well, son, I'm happy for ya.

NILES  
Thanks dad. 

Martin gets up from his chair with an empty mug of coffee. 

Frasier scowls.

FRASIER  
Is that all?

NILES  
What do you mean?

FRASIER  
No expression of surprise? No display of emotion?

NILES  
Well, I'm sure it doesn't come as shock to anyone. I did use to see that anarchist. 

FRASIER  
Perhaps not. Nevertheless, it is a momentous occasion. Shouldn't we at least discuss it?

MARTIN  
He's bi, Fras, not terminally ill. Besides, I'm the one who's legally married to a man in the state of California, and no one ever brings that up. 

Frasier and Niles stare at Martin as hobbles out to the kitchen. 

Daphne stands up, a little dazed. 

DAPHNE  
Has anyone seen me magazine collection?

\- 

TITLE CARD: HE'S A RIGHT-WING BAPTIST PREACHER...

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA - DAY

Frasier takes a sip of his coffee. On the table in front of him are dozens of colorful pamphlets. 

ROZ enters. 

ROZ  
Hi there.

FRASIER  
Oh, hello Roz.

Curiously, Roz picks up a pamphlet. 

ROZ  
'Understanding your latent bisexuality'... 'Coming out in your 40s'... Congratulations, Frasier. 

FRASIER  
Very funny, Roz. I got them for Niles. He came out as bisexual this morning, and no one, not to mention Niles himself, seems to mind in the slightest. 

ROZ  
And that's a problem because...? 

FRASIER  
Because he's a grown man, and he's kept an integral part of his identity hidden his entire life! It is bound to be the cause of some repressed emotions. The longer that dam of pent-up frustration and anger stays contained within him, the sooner the floodgates will open on us all.

ROZ  
Maybe he's just fine about it. 

FRASIER  
Maybe so, Roz, maybe so. But dad! You could practically hear the man sigh of relief when I brought home my first girlfriend. Now he's acting like Niles just told him he likes to wear suits. It isn't honest!

ROZ  
I don't know Frasier, I think you should be happy for Niles that his coming out went well. This is the 21st century! Sexuality just isn't a big deal anymore. 

FRASIER  
Now now, let's not idealize the situation. I, for one, have never been closely acquainted with any out and proud bisexuals. 

Roz gives him a pointed look. 

Frasier gasps.

FRASIER  
No!

ROZ  
C'mon. Six hundred thousand people in Seattle, and you think I'd settle for just the men?

FRASIER  
But all these years... You never said anything!

ROZ  
Sure I did, I just left out some pronouns. It was only because I knew you'd react like this! Sorry Frasier, but you do tend to make a mountain out of a molehill. 

They sit quietly for a moment. 

FRASIER  
So that Alex you dated last year. He was really...?

ROZ  
A woman.

FRASIER  
What about Blake?

ROZ  
A woman.

FRASIER  
And Sammy?

ROZ  
Sammy was a guy. Sammy's sister on the other hand...

\- 

TITLE CARD: HERE'S LOOKING AT YOU, CAM

INT. FRASIER'S APARTMENT - DAY

Niles and Daphne are snuggled up on the couch, watching Casablanca. Martin sits in his chair beside them. 

Niles nods at the screen. 

NILES  
He's handsome. 

DAPHNE  
I'm so glad we can talk like this now. There's nothing I like more than a man who is confident in his sexuality.

Niles snickers.

NILES  
Well, then I can confidently say that I find Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman... equally attractive. 

They giggle and kiss. 

MARTIN  
Oh, please. She's got nothing on him.

Frasier storms in through the front door. He tosses his pamphlets aside. 

FRASIER  
Behold, your inferior!

Martin pauses the movie. 

MARTIN  
What's the matter?

FRASIER  
This morning, I thought you were wrong to treat Niles' coming out as inconsequential. I thought a belated announcement of someone's sexuality was of great importance to all. Now, Roz informs me that it isn't. Because not only does she know hundreds of people who are blissfully bi, but so is she!

Niles, Daphne and Martin look back at him with blank expressions.

DAPHNE  
Seems about right.

MARTIN  
Told me years ago. 

FRASIER  
So the issue then, is not in your reactions. The issue lies with me. 

He rips his coat off and goes to hang it up. 

FRASIER  
I've always considered myself a man of my time, but I see now that I was naive to think so. While the citizens of Seattle were swept away in torrents of same-sex attraction, I remained stagnant on the East Coast, dreadfully conservative in a heterosexual marriage to a heterosexual wife...

Everyone shares a look - yeah, right.

Oblivious, Frasier keeps soliloquizing. 

FRASIER  
It appears that after years of existence, I've not progressed a day beyond the 1950s. I am no modern man, I am merely... a dinosaur. 

He collapses on a chair. 

Niles clears his throat.

NILES  
Frasier, don't you think that this reaction may have something to do with your own sexuality? 

FRASIER  
What do you mean?

Niles and Daphne exchange glances. 

NILES  
Maybe because you've had such strong preconceived notions about how people would react to your coming out, you're shocked to see how indifferent everyone is to me?

FRASIER  
That's ridiculous! I don't need to come out. I'm perfectly content with my attraction to women. 

NILES  
Yes. But what about your attraction to men?

Frasier scoffs.

FRASIER  
What kind of nonsense... I've never been attracted to a man in my life!

DAPHNE  
Well...

Everyone turns to look at Daphne. 

DAPHNE  
There was Tom, that handsome station manager.

NILES  
And those letters to Leonard Bernstein. 

DAPHNE  
Don't forget the saucy dream about Gil!

MARTIN  
And your blatant obsession with Cam Winston. 

FRASIER  
Enough!

They all stop. 

Frasier exhales deeply.

FRASIER  
Fine. Deny my heterosexuality. Assume I was infatuated with any acquaintance from my past. But do not, for one moment, accuse me of being in love with Cam Winston. That man represents everything that is wrong with the world. He is a nuisance not only to this building, but a nuisance to Seattle, and to all of America. His very existence is a mockery of my... 

Frasier trails off.

Everyone watches him expectantly.

FRASIER  
Oh dear God. 

\- 

CREDITS

INT. FRASIER'S APARTMENT - DAY

Martin watches Casablanca with a bowl of popcorn on his lap. Beside him, EDDIE is mesmerized by the screen. 

On the couch, Niles and Daphne gush over the models in a magazine. 

Frasier frantically pages through the pamphlets. 

END CREDITS.


End file.
